My dad is so embarrassing

ME: Mum I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Jenny.

DAD enters

DAD: (Bugs Bunny voice) Eh, What’s up Doc?

ME: Put some trousers on dad.

JM

Making Ends Meet: My Life as an Exorcist

Making Ends Meet: My Life as an Exorcist

   

   I usually get a call every other day,  usually a panicky woman saying something along the lines of ‘My niece is on the ceiling turning her head around 360 degrees, screaming, throwing up acid, causing the house to shake and she just skinned her brother’. Now to you that may sound quite mundane, but too me that sounds like the characteristics of someone who is possessed. For your average job I usually turn up with about 200ml of holy water (which is actually just lemonade that has been left without a lid on and is now flat) and a 10 inch wooden cross. But my main weapon is the bible because I know with that in my pocket God will protect me. I always take a bolt action rifle as well, just in case God is busy.

   When I show up the family are usually quite distraught, so I comfort them by saying things like ‘It will be okay’ and ‘ Don’t worry I have a gun’. I make them sign a contract, bloody paperwork but that’s what I get for joining a union. After the paperwork is signed and the deposit is paid, I go into the room of the possessed. Unlike most people I am fluent in Demonic so I can communicate with demons. I usually start with something like ‘Qwetro dncha demlik rekinforny tet rat’, which means ‘I will give you a fiver if you leave this person’. People who are possessed react badly to me as they can sense my holiness and it causes them great distress and pain - I have a similar effect on women. After a bit of small talk with the demon, I usually read out a passage of the bible. A fun fact is that when dealing with an exorcism the book of Jeremiah is usually the most effective.

   After reading the bible I then move on to the beating. This entails hitting the possessed person with the wooden cross I mentioned earlier. I usually hit them three times, one for the farther, one for the son and one for the holy-ghost, then seven to ten more times for the fun of it. Then if nothing has happened I hit them more. Beating never usually works but it’s more entertaining for the family members watching, last thing you want is a bored crowd. I got heckled once during an exorcism, which was just awful. I usually beat the possessed until my arm starts to hurt and then I resort back to the bible, and try and beat them with that. The bible is heavier then you think and blunt, so can cause a lot of damage.

    Once the body is weakened, that’s when you can reason with the demon possessing the body and say things like ‘C’mon get out mate, you have had your fun and games but you’re starting to piss everyone off ’.  The demon may respond with something like ‘Bite me’ and that’s when the holy water (flat lemonade) comes into play. I usually threaten to pour holy water (still flat lemonade) on the body and the demon will say something like ‘Calm down mate, I’m going, jeez.’ That’s when you need an object for the demon to jump into. This object can be anything. In the past I have used a trumpet, a cravat and a dog (who is now a real jerk).

   

   When the demon has left the body, then comes the most rewarding part of my job, getting paid. I have three types of exorcism packs. The Basic, which is your run of the mill job. Premium in which I clean up all the possessive residue and offer a 6 month guarantee. Or Gold, in which you get all that plus a complementary portable paper shredder. The portable paper shredder is where I make my money. And that’s a day in the life of a freelance exorcist.

JM

He's wearing a wire!

He’s wearing a wire!

Frank is an undercover policeman and is wearing a wire. He is sitting with three local gangsters.

FRANK: So what illegal stuff are we up to today?

GANGSTER 1#: We are shipping in a crate of heroin.

FRANK: Pardon?

GANGSTER 1#: We are shipping in a crate of heroin.

FRANK: Louder and closer to my chest.

GANGSTER 1#: We are shipping in a crate of heroin!

FRANK:  Pronunciate

GANGSTER 1#:  We are shipping in a crate of heroin!

FRANK: So just to confirm we are illegally shipping in a crate of heroin in which you plan on selling?

GANGSTER 1#:  Yes!

FRANK: And you two are also involved in this?

GANSTER 2#: For the fifth time yes!

GANGSTER 3#: Why do you keep asking us?

FRANK: No reason. Well I have got everything I need, see you in a couple of months in court.

                                                                                                                                            JM

The Moat

One of the most significant defences in history was the moat

SOLIDER 1: Oh great we come all this way and there’s a moat. ‘Seize the castle that’s what we’ll do’, ‘Lead an army of 10,000 men to overthrow the king, what could go wrong?’. Now we have bloody walked across half the world to get to the castle to find out it has a bloody moat!
SOLIDER 2:  You think if I knew they had a moat, I would of brought us here? Now where’s Daryl, he got his 25m swimming badge last month.
ENEMY SOLIDER: Hey guys, what’s the weather like on that side of the moat?
SOLIDER 1: If there wasn’t a circle shaped pool of water between us I would kick your ass.
ENEMY SOLIDER: Well there is.
SOLIDER 1: What do you intend to we do then?
SOLIDER 2: Make rude hand gestures until they surrender.

                                                                                                                                           JM

If I was a rapper

If I was a rapper

The Year Fives at Cromwell High entered a literary completion, in which they had to write a creative piece about a day in the life of being something different or unusual. The winning piece was written by Joshua Gruntle of class 5k, entitled ‘If I was a rapper’.

I was awoken by two Crips (Dylan and Mark) playing Frisbee in the back garden, I shot them with my glock. My girl (or as I call her shorty) is asleep so I slap her big rear and then go brush my gold teeth, I use bleach to do this, as regular toothpaste doesn’t clean gold. I go down to the breakfast table (which is also a Jacuzzi) and smoke a un-lit cigar while one of my many hoes makes me breakfast. I had roast beef, because I am a rapper and traditional breakfast s don’t mean s**t to me, much like the women (or as I call them hoes) that I sleep with on a regular basis in various demeaning sexual positions.

Then after breakfast, I get dressed and put on fourteen gold chains, one for each gang member I have murdered. I roll out in my chrome convertible jet to go to the liquor store and get some gin and juice.  On the way there a gaggle of Bloods gave me the finger so I shot them with my glock (note to self I may need more glock ammo). I go home with my other rapper buddies ‘MC Lil J-K’ and ‘Lil Mc K-J’’, and we all got really high on paracetamol and talked about rapper stuff like car rims, diamond watches, hip hop and kale. We then had lunch, which was Scotch eggs. Rappers love scotch eggs.

 Then after lunch a  girl (hoe) I used to have a thing with back in 89’ comes into my house crying and saying she still loved me, I said ‘Rihanna, we are just not going to work.’ Bloody hoes, if I had a dollar for every time a hoe did that to me, I would have a fair amount of toilet roll, because I, like most rappers, wipe my bum with money.  Also I pay a guy twenty grand a day just to flush the toilet every six minutes.

It was seven o’clock according to my necklace so I went out with my rapper friends to a night club where they played our music. I got in a lot of fights with rival rappers one called me a phony and I ain’t no phony I am the realest mother-f******g  mother-f*****r  in this place. After I beat him with one of my hoes,  I proceeded to order rapper drinks like carrot juice and bottled water, even though you can get water free from the tap I like to get it in bottles to heighten my masculinity.

When clubbing was over I go back to my five acre bed, which Vince my butler has spent the day cleaning, and do stuff with all the women (hoes) that I brought back from the club (da club). Tomorrow is just another day as a rapper, I may get a tattoo.