My dad is so embarrassing

ME: Mum I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, Jenny.

DAD enters

DAD: (Bugs Bunny voice) Eh, What’s up Doc?

ME: Put some trousers on dad.

JM

Making Ends Meet: My Life as an Exorcist

Making Ends Meet: My Life as an Exorcist

   

   I usually get a call every other day,  usually a panicky woman saying something along the lines of ‘My niece is on the ceiling turning her head around 360 degrees, screaming, throwing up acid, causing the house to shake and she just skinned her brother’. Now to you that may sound quite mundane, but too me that sounds like the characteristics of someone who is possessed. For your average job I usually turn up with about 200ml of holy water (which is actually just lemonade that has been left without a lid on and is now flat) and a 10 inch wooden cross. But my main weapon is the bible because I know with that in my pocket God will protect me. I always take a bolt action rifle as well, just in case God is busy.

   When I show up the family are usually quite distraught, so I comfort them by saying things like ‘It will be okay’ and ‘ Don’t worry I have a gun’. I make them sign a contract, bloody paperwork but that’s what I get for joining a union. After the paperwork is signed and the deposit is paid, I go into the room of the possessed. Unlike most people I am fluent in Demonic so I can communicate with demons. I usually start with something like ‘Qwetro dncha demlik rekinforny tet rat’, which means ‘I will give you a fiver if you leave this person’. People who are possessed react badly to me as they can sense my holiness and it causes them great distress and pain - I have a similar effect on women. After a bit of small talk with the demon, I usually read out a passage of the bible. A fun fact is that when dealing with an exorcism the book of Jeremiah is usually the most effective.

   After reading the bible I then move on to the beating. This entails hitting the possessed person with the wooden cross I mentioned earlier. I usually hit them three times, one for the farther, one for the son and one for the holy-ghost, then seven to ten more times for the fun of it. Then if nothing has happened I hit them more. Beating never usually works but it’s more entertaining for the family members watching, last thing you want is a bored crowd. I got heckled once during an exorcism, which was just awful. I usually beat the possessed until my arm starts to hurt and then I resort back to the bible, and try and beat them with that. The bible is heavier then you think and blunt, so can cause a lot of damage.

    Once the body is weakened, that’s when you can reason with the demon possessing the body and say things like ‘C’mon get out mate, you have had your fun and games but you’re starting to piss everyone off ’.  The demon may respond with something like ‘Bite me’ and that’s when the holy water (flat lemonade) comes into play. I usually threaten to pour holy water (still flat lemonade) on the body and the demon will say something like ‘Calm down mate, I’m going, jeez.’ That’s when you need an object for the demon to jump into. This object can be anything. In the past I have used a trumpet, a cravat and a dog (who is now a real jerk).

   

   When the demon has left the body, then comes the most rewarding part of my job, getting paid. I have three types of exorcism packs. The Basic, which is your run of the mill job. Premium in which I clean up all the possessive residue and offer a 6 month guarantee. Or Gold, in which you get all that plus a complementary portable paper shredder. The portable paper shredder is where I make my money. And that’s a day in the life of a freelance exorcist.

JM